Sonny Boy

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He is Good

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdq9Q8wJdjc
Lead Me to The Cross
Savior I come, quiet my soul, Remember
Redemption's hill, where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear…I count it all as loss
Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself I belong to You
Oh lead me, Lead me to the cross
You were as I tempted and tried human
The word became flesh, bore my sin in death
Now You're risen
To Your heart, to Your heart
Lead me to Your heart, lead me to Your heart

I was driving to Kansas City and I was passing through some smoke from someone burning their trash and I was thinking…people burning their trash, they know exactly what is burning…they can watch the progress and know when everything is done. They know how much is a good amount to burn at one time. When God is burning the sin from my life, I don’t always know that this is the process that is occurring, I don’t know how long the process will last, don't always know what is burning and I surely don’t want to accumulate anything that will need to be sifted or burned in the future. I said to God that I didn’t sign up for the hard stuff that has been happening. Then this song came on and as I was signing it…God said to me “Yes, you did sign up.” I did sign up, I did not sign up for the Pro Bowlers Tour, I signed up for the Kiddy Bowling (you know, where they use the bumpers in the gutters). I want to want to be worthy of the call of the Lord, to be selfless, to lay down my agenda and pick up His cross… but I don’t want to put in the time and discipline that it takes. I love the Lord and I want to be close to Him, to know Him, to be a worthy vessel for Him. I pray and I sing songs that echo that sentiment. I REALLY do want to lay it all down at His feet. The Lord loves me and wants to grant me the desires of my heart and to do that there are trials, sifting, burning, testing. I DON’T LIKE IT! It hurts! The Lord is good and will use every hurt and every joy to the good of the kingdom…I feel hope. I don’t know for sure what the Lord is doing, how long it will last or if I will have to walk through the fire again. What I know today is I am LOVED. I was very blessed over Easter that a friend from California was able to come out and spend the weekend with me. IT WAS A BLAST!
GOD ~ GOOD FRIEND ~ GOOD LAUGH = Happy Camper

Feelings

Compelling: having a powerful and irresistible effect; requiring acute admiration, attention, or respect. Feelings: an emotion or emotional perception or attitude. Not to hard to decipher where I’m heading for today’s entry. I have found my FEELINGS to be quite compelling these last few days especially with the connection to my childhood. I have been working on overcoming my fear of the horses and accepting the connection. The hard thing is when I get scared I freeze (as I did when I was a child) but in the world of horses you have to keep moving so you don’t get hurt. Thursday we had to put down a horse… I can not begin to express all the emotion that I felt on that day and the days since. It’s been very hard to work this out…my own natural reactions, survival skills, once again are not the right skills for this season. May times in my life I have used certain skills to get by but most of the time they come up short and are the very thing that causes ongoing pain and doubt. I have questioned God, myself, God, God, and God on the validity of my feelings, the status of my being here, others that I am in contact with, the horses, and the ranch. My feelings are real and they are mine that much I am sure of. What I am also sure of is feelings are not always facts. Meaning, I may “feel” shut out by those around me, but the truth is I’m the one who has pulled back. I do not recall one time that I have answered Gods call and expected everything to be hard, hurtful and in a constant state of being haywire. Usually/always it’s the opposite. I EXPECT everything to go easy, to be wonderful, to flow, not hurt, and be blessed beyond anything I could expect. Not to say that those things are not happening, BUT there is the “Fire” of God. The “Test”, I seem to fail often due to the worldly expectation that captures my heart and drags me away from the will and purpose of God. I have often prayed to God to save me from the “shiny things of this world.”
I want to make sense of things, to understand, to know what is happening and why…it’s not easy to submit to the idea that I may never have the answers, I may never understand or know the kingdom effect of all that occurs. I have wanted to move back to CA, run away from everything that hurts everything I don’t understand and to some extent I have done that (without moving). The only real thing that I know to do is...cry out to the Lord. Feelings pass and change but the faithfulness of the Lord does not change. Even though I am feeling a little/lot shock at the recent turn of events, the Lord is not caught off guard, surprised, shocked or at a loss.
I do know that the Lord is in control and all I ready need is to submit to HIM! That I can do!

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