Feelings

Compelling: having a powerful and irresistible effect; requiring acute admiration, attention, or respect. Feelings: an emotion or emotional perception or attitude. Not to hard to decipher where I’m heading for today’s entry. I have found my FEELINGS to be quite compelling these last few days especially with the connection to my childhood. I have been working on overcoming my fear of the horses and accepting the connection. The hard thing is when I get scared I freeze (as I did when I was a child) but in the world of horses you have to keep moving so you don’t get hurt. Thursday we had to put down a horse… I can not begin to express all the emotion that I felt on that day and the days since. It’s been very hard to work this out…my own natural reactions, survival skills, once again are not the right skills for this season. May times in my life I have used certain skills to get by but most of the time they come up short and are the very thing that causes ongoing pain and doubt. I have questioned God, myself, God, God, and God on the validity of my feelings, the status of my being here, others that I am in contact with, the horses, and the ranch. My feelings are real and they are mine that much I am sure of. What I am also sure of is feelings are not always facts. Meaning, I may “feel” shut out by those around me, but the truth is I’m the one who has pulled back. I do not recall one time that I have answered Gods call and expected everything to be hard, hurtful and in a constant state of being haywire. Usually/always it’s the opposite. I EXPECT everything to go easy, to be wonderful, to flow, not hurt, and be blessed beyond anything I could expect. Not to say that those things are not happening, BUT there is the “Fire” of God. The “Test”, I seem to fail often due to the worldly expectation that captures my heart and drags me away from the will and purpose of God. I have often prayed to God to save me from the “shiny things of this world.”
I want to make sense of things, to understand, to know what is happening and why…it’s not easy to submit to the idea that I may never have the answers, I may never understand or know the kingdom effect of all that occurs. I have wanted to move back to CA, run away from everything that hurts everything I don’t understand and to some extent I have done that (without moving). The only real thing that I know to do is...cry out to the Lord. Feelings pass and change but the faithfulness of the Lord does not change. Even though I am feeling a little/lot shock at the recent turn of events, the Lord is not caught off guard, surprised, shocked or at a loss.
I do know that the Lord is in control and all I ready need is to submit to HIM! That I can do!